i keep thinking i was meant to be there only to mend a friendship. to do something in lives and then leave, disappear, never to return. i think myself as dust. foolish aren't i? didn't God make me a heir, a daughter, a child of His? Didn't He crown me princess? Then why do i believe i'm that fleeting? Why do i believe that i'm both a nurturer and a destroyer? why do things have to work like a sine curve?
ah my horrific math terms are coming to me. gah i'm sorry if you read this. i have issues liking myself. dont' we all? wish you're cooler, wish you're 'worth more' in this world. and that you deserve more in this world. BUT YOU HAVE. you HAVE the bigger part of it, you have the real part of it. but why can't you see that!? why are your xray glasses cracked and your myopic ones tinted? why do you loook for what the world looks? why do you think you're part of the world when you're evidently not and will not strive to be? and yet, you are striving the moment you say you arent. your actions might not be, but your heart covets. sinful one, turn back now before it's going to eat you up. dissatisfaction kills you. where's my great expectations book? i should pick it up again.
you always do it to me yeah i always do, sorry God. i know people look for love everywhere. we all need GOd's love. we all need love. but ever heard of a person who shunned it? ever heard of a person who just ran away from it? well maybe now you have. i always feel so exposed in sin and unworthiness in stature and in status and in skill and quality before God, or the ones who care. and therefore i run. i run away, because that's the only thing i know what to do. i feel uncomfortable being loved by God sometimes, and i mean SOMETIMES. other times, i know i just melt into His love because i know His love is vast and great and goood and wonderful and i DO know his love cos i've experienced it myself. But other times i just run. other times i just feel uncomfortable, fearful. Fear of letting Him down because part of me wants the world:( Maybe i've such a great fear of people letting me down that i'm afraid i'd do the same. and because of that, i don't want people to love me so that i don't disappoint them. or again. complex right. and i'm typing it all here.
my famous phrase is I DON"T KNOW. cos often times i don't. but ithink what i said above has been a revelation to what it is. i'm truly afraid aren't i. i remember my journal entry. oh i still fear what others think don't i, i still care about what people think of me. i still care about what the world wants. i still care! :( and youth sunday's theme is GLORIFY. it's to DENY yourself for the GLORY OF GOD. deny myself. DENY MYSELF! it's like, cutting my heart into half. it's like, ripping out of me probably half of what has been ingrown in me. it's like telling me to deny even what i've been taught from young. it's telling me to go agst even a family's culture. it's like throwing away the idea etched in my mind that it's okay to follow God fully yet be cool and smart in this world.
maybe that's why i was made with uncommon sense instead of common sense. maybe that's why i began with good and learnt the cool, rather than learnt the good and began with cool. cos when i'm torn down to the core of my heart, the good remains and the cool is gone, likewise i'm left with uncommon sense, i hope and pray that it's wisdom and nothing else. seriously, don't bother trying to undersatnd my brain. i'm trying to understand it msyelf, and God's doing the interpreting.
deny yourself. ah that sucks. that SUCKSSSS :( and i don't like to drag others into it. it's like i'm telling you, don't come with me. cos, i am struggling myself, don't come and struggle with me or make it worse.i seriously am afraid. i'm afraid to be seen uncool and only good and loving God. i'm afraid. and not to be mean but i think pple called to live lives with the rest of the crazy world and STILL live denying yourself have it worse of than the people who are called to missions overseas cos, they aren't under the pressures of the material world. :(
ahhhhhh i think i'm stressed out by this whole thing. what am i doing. are there really two people i see in the mirror?
no there's only one you
then why do i feel like i'm split into half? why do i feel like i'm torn? why do i feel like when i believe in the ONE me, it makes so much sense but suddenly when i start to blur out and see two, i doubt like mad and i fear like mad?
life is about choices isn't it? i hope i make the right ones. i'm such a judgemental mean person, teach me not to be such, God. Help me see through your eyes. and Help me GOd, sort out this confusion.
I'm SORRY THIS IS SUCH AN EMO POST. it's NOT emo ok, it's highly and intensely contemplative and deeeep i think. this ends your journey into my mind. and i'm okay really, just thinking :) and entrusting it to God.
well, like i used to put on my blog lonnnnnnnnnnnnnng time ago-
Happiness is a choice, Joy is a GIFT:)
And i praise You cos You deserve all glory (: if i have nothing and all i have is You, i have You Jesus. If i created things only to mess it up, I still have You Jesus. If i'm broken, I still have You Jesus. If i'm called to deny myself and be SO different, I don't want to disappoint You, Jesus, just assure me that it'll be okay. Tell me sweet Jesus, that I'll be in your arms that last, sweet, day. Tell me dear Jesus, that Your love is greater than my insecurities and disgust of myeslf. Thank you, i already know that it's true, cos it has been done, and I am yours and yours alone, completely. loveyou God :)
shern :)