and yeah, Jesus you're all i want and all i need. i really wanted to be alone in this place, kneeling and raising my hands to heaven. like the story about the tax collector and the pharisee. i was just like the broken, i just felt like kneeling and the camera would do those ROUND ABOUT scans (i need technical jargon) from the top and i'd sing with arms high and heart abandoned
i think i would hv cried really hard if i heard this song just now. cos again and again i'm just touched by His love and His grace. that through it all, He is really everything i wanted and everythign i needed.
throw away everything else that i held on to, all the hopes, dreams, plans.. leave me nothing, i stil have Jesus.
reading Great Ex is quite nice actually. i wanted to BLOG about 'distinguishing true values in life and false ones' and i realise that in itself, it's not just an ESSAY about the BOOK and what it says, but it's a reflection of life, it's a diadectic novel aimed to make us think too. and it did make me think. it's supposed to assure me that what matters is what you don't see, it's the values that we can't see in physical form like money, 'prestige'. i QUOTE pumblechook's hearty 'MAY I MAY I' and his claims that He was the reason that pip got his good fortune. haha 'windy donkey' and 'the Imposter' hahaha. i was just amusing myself w josh talking about the really amusing parts of our book. i hope humour comes out, then i can laugh thru the paper, but in a good way such tt it's good! well, regardless of the grade, i'm glad to have done lit.
talk about the duchess and the world of malfi (i'm doing this so i don't feel so guilty coming online. AHH GUILTY CONSCIENCE OF PIP! AHAH RECURRING IMAGERY! CRIME AND PUNHISHMENT)ahhaha study too hard. but i think the duchess of malfi is also quite nice la. i like all the dying speeches and i'm NOT morbid. the more you read it, the more you understand what the book means actually. and i pray it'll be okay tmr!!! like the fraility of man and fallible quality of man, in both books actually.. cos wer'e all ultimately flawed and all broken people in need of redemption. the duchess herself isn't fully perfect.. i mean she cries 'mercy' before she dies. kinda like subscribing to the judgement of the Lord in the end. and same with magwitch, 'my lord i have received my sentence of Death from the Almighty, but i bow to yours' OH HOW SWEET! 'be merciful to him, a sinner!'
on a random note, the flowers in church were withered today :( but i like pretty flowers, not sad ones. and sally can vouch cos i like to draw flowers. AHHAHA i always dream of this GIANT field of TULIPS and WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO prettttttyness man. tulips are nicer cos they don't have thorns like roses do. BUT then again roses are a TYPICAL SYMBOL OF LOVE! AHHAHA my gosh i'm trying to study while i blog. and definitely typical stuff do work once in awhile, cos the intention is there, it's spelled out in action, and you no need an explanation like 'oh! why the roses today!' it's like screaming out at you. just like cardinal being killed by bosola. 'thou hast hurt me' DUH!?!?!? if someone stabs you, HE HAS HURT YOU. hahahaha so it's quite funny. okay. sorry about the ramble.
and i like words cos words can help you express how u feel. i have this little random book that i just grab whenever i need some form of catharsis. AHA. the other time when i was struggling really hard with chemistry i wrote this AGONY thing. AHHAHHAHA which was hilarious now that i read it. ah disclaimer! i wont' become some siao lang or like silvia plath and kill herself in the oven or something!?! -.- i've got JESUS! i've got reason to live lah, hello. OH AND i crafted this romantic thing which was HILARIOUS. AHHAHAHHA or the super deeep one which is qutie cool but it's quite fun and funny at the same time! or the story about a prisoner of war and his brother, i liked that one. metaphor story. but what i like most is the one i talk about God, cos it's been during these times that i've seen His hand over my life. through my As i've seen God bigger and more loving than antyhing ever. YOUR GRACE AMAZES ME. and really God, sometimes i'm just moved to tears because.. MAN, He's beyond my imagination.
then yeah i figured 'it's the thought that counts' ACTUALLY doesn't. what's the use of saying 'OH! i intended to surprise you on your b'day but i cln't make it' when.. the facts are pasted across your eyes as 'YOU DIDN'T COME, FULL STOP'. what matters is the fact. what matters is what happened, who cares about what you intended, what matters is you didn't carry out what you intended. it's like telling GOd, oh yes i intended to believe in you, but you didn't. the fact is, YOU DIDN'T. will God say 'oh yes i knew you were intending to.. but you just didn't make that thought concrete' ? i doubt. i highly doubt. so. what are mere words, when they are merely justifications of things left undone?
'i wanted to tell her i loved her'
'i wanted to thank him'
too late
face it, it's TOO LATE. before you realise it, it's too late. and you should realise, before it's too late, that the word was merely for you. the word wasn't for the other, the word was to satisfy your own guilt, your own conscience (cross ref to pip! AHHAHA. oh crap i can't find the page. not sure if pip sends joe something to compensate for pip not visiting joe. money or smthing)
yeah. and it serves as an awareness to me too, that i shld NEVER do that. i shldn't ever tell pple what i meant to do if i didn't do it. i must do it anyway. because if i do that, it's just like appeasing myself and wiping away the guilt i feel for not doing it. my conclusion, the thought doesn't really count if it remains as fleeting as a thought.
then again, people are blinded by actions. so much melodramatic action (HAHAHA), but basically, all the exterior stuff also doesn't mean so much, when it's all just DONE, as FACTS, but not truths. ah, truths aren't facts just like revenge aint justice! what are those actions when they spill from a heart that's empty? what are they when it doesn't mean anything, BUT A MERE SPECTACLE. hahaha but the play's different la, it has meaning to show the extent of corruption and evil and all. but think about it, sometimes you're so blinded by these actions that you don't even have time to sit back and think about it, and realise that everything was just a drama.
then again actors play different roles. and bosola's a malcontent, a tragic hero, a misogynist, an avenger... yet he's not wholly bad, or good either. but i wonder sometimes, if you fall into traps of seeing one side of people that you totally forget the other side. AHAH u know, blinded by love. mygessshh. like pip and estella! AHHAAHA PIP IS LIKE HOW freaking blinded lah. HAHAHAH okay. this is gettting funnyyy!! HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT BIDDY IS PRETTY AND THAT HE LIKES BIDDY TOO! AND BIDDY IS SO NICEEEEEE (: and yay she gets the best character in the end, JOE!!! (: yeah but it's quite true. you don't know what you're missing till you WAKE UP and take out the patch from your other eye. ah poor bel!! she better take care.
yes but all my ranting is not in vain. i feel like i've done my lot. gosh i soudn like i'm using nadsat. AH.
on a funnier note, i had the biggest laugh of the week yesterday cos of good ol gargamel. HAHAAH i can't reveal why because he'll really kill me, but man, THANK GOD
alrighteee. back to lit! and then there's CHEM ONLY THIS WEEK. ALRIGHTEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
aye!
shern