hahahah(: i think it's the difficulty of expression at times. i wrote, failed. i went to play the piano, helped a little.. but not enough. i played the guitar, doesn't help i can't play cheem stuff. guess i forgot i could just talk to God, but i was kinda frustrated and i wanted to get that nonsense out but i didn't seem to. i'm thankful i found what could afterward- my cello(:
so i'm not too happy about my prelim results but today i coudlnt' really do anything about it. it's been a week gone, i only have 7 weeks left. i feel like timing is gnawing at my heels and i'm quite stuck at what i should do now. i remember what i wanted to come online to blog about now. i wanted to blog a post called YOU. a whole post of letters to people who will not be named and who will not know who they are.so maybe i should start.
you kind of hurt me when you said that again. you don't understand i believe no one should ever be pitied. sometimes they just choose something else. i find it unfair sometimes, but i know i shouldn't be. i have no RIGHT to be. i always don't. i feel i never have the right to be sad or hurting because my pain cannot surmount to that. then it links. it's always this same old thing which i cannot let go. I MUST. it's stupid to let it bug me all the time. you don't realise that when u say all that u make me feel like all i ever am is simply your product, all your doing. nothing of mine. i want to claim something for myself, but i can't. maybe that's cos i've lost myself to GOd. i'm confused.
you. you also hurt me that day. i told you it hurt, a little. truth is sometimes many things you say hit a raw nerve and it kinda sucks cos i pretend to swallow it back and forget. but this ain't so big, i'm not too bothered.
you are the biggest you. and now i'm lost for words again. i wrote a story in parallel. and there are tons of things i need to tell you but i can't. i believe you won't even want to read this, and i don't want you to read this yet i want you to. i don't even know why i'm typing here! but i hope you're happy(: cos i want you to be, and i know i can't really help. many people want you to be happy, so go and be free. yet i know that sucks cos i want that yet i don't. i want that cos i want you to be free. i don't because.
you lastly. i think you'd think the big you is for you but it really isn't, sorry it really isn't and it has never been. so i don't wish to delude anyone, and all these 'you's i'm talking about, don't even bother trying to think it's you or fitting it with a person, cos you may just be fooling yourself. so just let me engage in some forms of 'catharsis' just by doing this.
forget me not
i read the daily bread this morning and realised it said that hurt can't fully be wiped away, until heaven. i'm sure you won't forget even if you want to. cos i know myself, even when i even lie to myself. oh crime, i lie to myself! i tell you how it hurts, in a very warped and reversed order- it's like twisting my brain and ripping my name apart.
okay that sounds rather harsh and morbid, and sally calls me flower girl cos i'm apparently only flowers and suns and smiley faces. which is a good thing.AHHAHAH i told you i'm simply deep!
yes. enough of YOUS. i don't want to get Us for as and i won't! i will get As for GOD!(:
Silent night
Really, really silent night
silence always seems a little sinister. but i used to like that silence.
anywya, thank God for twins(:
shern