NEVER.
i don't know how you know if you're strong, but all my life i wanted to be strong. (dont you?) we all want to be the kinda person people would say 'yeah man. this girl/guy is really strong.' we want people to look up to us and to admire us. you know what? it's a race you'll never finish running. you'll get tired. you'll eventually burn yourself out. cos we can never be strong. face it, we're weak.
but it's precisely in acknowledging our weakness that is our only way of becoming strong. it's like that really old children's nursery story where u stuff your hand into a jar of marbles and clench it so tight and realise you're stuck. the only way to GET what you want is to let go of it. life is a whole box of irony i tell you. maybe it's cos logic and reason is the opposite of faith. science vs God, yes i know. so ask me why i'm taking science when my views hold contrary to it
think i have an answer? ahhaha actually i don't! in fact i really don't know a lot. dont' know why this why that, but i think i'm willing to trust God knows.
to add some contextual reference here, i've just finished by first chem paper (bother i still hv 2 more) and i'm saying this REALLY honestly, that chem isn't my best subject. in fact, it's the worst! AHHA! and by that i am NOT exaggerating so don't ever accuse me of being a sconer and having no right to say i'm failing. i'll defend the rest of the sconers if you ever make such an accusation without being a sconer yourself. (i sound rather irratiting don't i? but i probably do cos this is hard to say) so i realised a few days ago that i REALLy don't know anything about chem. i thought i did know a bit, but no, on saturday i realised i didn't know a thing. AHHAA! not funny but SCARY. So i ask God for a miracle, whether or not the miracle is that i can do the paper or that even if it was bad i'd still praise. What i said before prelims still holds true: Pass or fail, i'll still praise You.
... according to calculations, you're faced 100,000:1. impossible. he shook his head in disbelief, his heart sank in horror. a whole army- whatever was he going to do? pray? well maybe. He asked God for miracle, but even then, staring at the entire army made him feel at such a loss. Where to attack? Who to attack? Do i start from the left? the right? the head? 'I want to fight, yes. i want to fight, but HOW? in the name of the lord I'm not afraid of being killed, i'm just afraid i can't even try. i'm just afraid that no matter how much i try, i'd fail anyway.' DAY OF BATTLE. He charges anyway, whichever way he knows. He gives it his all, lashing at the opponents whose tactics he is able to overcome. But it's not enough, he manages a few, but what's a few when there's a whole army? At the end of the battle, he's tired. He gave his best, yes he really did. That was all he could do, all he could do. They still lost the battle. Dejected, he walks back, and praises. He says 'Thank You Lord, for helping me do my best. Thank You, because You are still God and You are still good. You will always be good.' The tension still remains. I tried so hard, but my best wasn't enough. it will never be but. SO WHAT.
i've seen my God save. I've seen my God bring me through so many things. I've seen my God at work in my life. But many times i have not seen. Many times, He doesnt appear. Many times, i just KNOW He's there. Many times, the miracle i asked for never came. During those times, i realised the miracle was something else. the miracle was me trusting Him despite my perceived miracle not coming to pass. This time, the miracle happens to be something else.
because that's a miracle in itself.
i like that. SO WHAT. SO WHAT! SO WHAT if you fail? SO WHAT! becuase in the end, you'll throw all this away, and everything will be forgotten, except the knowledge of whether you tried your best or not.
/desert song
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
YOU ARE STILL GOD, I HAVE A REASON TO SING
YEAH! relax i'm happy and i'm going to KILL MATH TMR. AHHAHAH STATISTICS! whoooooooooooo. pass or fail, i'll praise YOU!
shern