the blank's for you to fill. despite illness, hurt, jealousy, bitterness, stress, turmoil, grief.. you name it, He's still sovereign. God's like the constant in an equation which doesn't change. He's like the k variable in a math sum which remains the same even if other variables change! (if you can tell, i'm attempting to MATH-ify and SCIENCE-ify myself. my brother in law confirmed me to be more of an artsy person than a science when he chuckled how i found lit and bio OKAY and chem and math almost the bane of my existence, especially chemistry. HAHAHA yes. thank God i took lit. it keeps my school days less sciency and preserves my sanity amidst the insanity and travesty of the plays and literary texts and whatnot.
have u ever had that strange FLASHBACK of a scene in the past? i think i have, quite a few. and it's those SPLIT second, 1second things. probably some neuron in my brain twitching. HAHAHHAHA yikes what a strange imagination. the other day in lit class i was really REALLY daydreaming. and before you go "WHO WHO WHO", let me clarify that i was imagining a scene in a third world country, imagining the kids and their longing faces. that picture never fade. the one i saw during 'Go Forth'. The face of the boy standing alone and his SMILE when the guy held his hand. ah it could not only melt my heart but. gosh. i could just never get that image out of my head. it persists.
let's talk about missions.
we all profess it's going out there doing something for the people there. true, but is the longing really a deep desire to see God's love be spread to the people there, to see His hand reach the poor and the broken? OR is this deep desire really just a longing for self fulfillment and satisfaction? Do we really want to help the people there because of them? Or do we want to help them because of ourselves? Do we want to feel fulfilled just because we did a noble thing? Do we want to feel fulfilled only to take our eyes away from OUR problems? Or do we do it because of the overflowing of God's love? To know that while you have so much, you want to give to those who dont have as much as you. yet these people may have much more than you- these people may have the brokenness, the simplicity, the DESPERATION for GOd. while you- you cold unfeeling lukewarm christian, are sliding into the traps of respectability, hedonism... so judge our intentions, and then i want to fall with open arms before my God. i want to die to self, i want to throw away everything i still hold on to, everything that grips my heart each time i think about it, everything that i feel frustration about, everything- my heart and my soul, i give you control, consume me from the inside out.
so that's about ONE flash back. i had another flash back today- sitting at the dining area and having songs race through my head, i couldn't help thinking about the times i sat there talking to people. i couldn't help reminiscing what we talked about, what we sang about, the friendships i treasured, loved ; missed. talk about dejavu. talk about constancy- change.
ah push everything aside, i know i'm trying to do that. focus focus focus. that's what i should do. focus on Jesus, focus on what i have to do now, on my task now- to be the best student i can for Him: STUDY FOR THE A LEVELS! whooooooo. haha and there's this HUMP that says 'PRELIMS' hence that's the nearer milestone. then i was actually charting out life in the next few years in my head while i was going to sleep. quite daunting thoughts they were- questions and uncertainties aplenty. i brush it away- again. it seriously devastates i guess. and sometimes everything seems unfair, seems frustrating, like i've being pulled into a whirlpool of events and dominos of things which just don't end. it's only by looking back that i understand and think rationally, and feel like i've been completely spent by the countless reverse psychologies and lies i've plagued myself with. it's a sin, man, to hurt yourself.
like i said, do you choose the 'RIGHT' way? the way which you're forced into because you lie to protect? or the way that you know is right because it's the truth you want to scream out but you can't.
hahahah i'm getting to the emo crux again aren't I! HAHAHA no lah, i think it's just expanding on thoughts, it's like painting a story in words. pretty things. on a lighter note, i think spending time with good godly company and church events really helps. this weekend was really a refresher for me. 'go forth' conference, then sunday spending time talking with a good ol friend and even teacher pohlin, and finally going back to school on monday- i really felt rather free, free of the curse of the desire for man's praise and acceptance. yeah man, the so what attitude is coming back to me! WHOO. attidudes man! yeah but it felt good.and i felt this calm confidence in Him- not in myself but Him. and man did it feel good, to feel fazed by the world(: which also shows how much i usually am! ahha
i'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about You Jesus
shern